A girl thinks

What did he mean when he put an arm around me? What was he thinking when he hugged me so close? Did it mean anything to him? When he snuggled close, I so hope he didn't hear my exaggerated heart beats.

Is this how boy meets girl in cities? The first evening together, does it bring currents without words? Do city boys hug girls the first time they meet alone? Do they tell them that they smell nice? Do they crinkle nose at aromas of food wafting up from the neighbour's kitchen and say they would rather smell your hair? And snuggle closer?

Is there anything to all this at all? He didn't after all say that my smile dazzles him. Or that I'm sweeter than the Swiss chocolate I shared with him. He did not even try to make me talk. And the whole while I was so busy thinking his thoughts that I forgot to think any of my own. Sigh.

And when we walked back, he oh-so-casually put his arm around my shoulders again. And really hugged me when we said goodnight. The real hug says he is sincere, but it doesn't say anything about he liking me, or does it?

When he said that he is never casual about anything that he does, and stressed it a couple of times, was he trying to nudge me into hearing something else? When he spoke of his ambitions, and immediately added a question if I disliked ambitious men, was he trying to find out if I liked him?

Oh, but all this was yesterday. Is he thinking about yesterday today? Why hasn't he called or messaged yet? He smiles too much. That wide wide smile. I mustn't tell him how much I love that smile. Does he charm everyone this way, or am I the only one who is so affected?

He hasn't called yet. That means yesterday didn't mean much. Obviously, isn't it so? But how can that be? Won't that contradict the general outlook he projects? Or is it that I see only what I want to see? My mind can't be playing so many tricks, can it?

Maybe all he wanted was to see if I could be charmed at all. Worse, maybe he only wanted to sleep with me -- is that the worst? Won't that make him a stereotype? Can he be one? Yes. Maybe. Who else would put an arm around a girl the first evening together. That too with no tender words! He must have thought me a desperately lonely girl -- letting a man lie next to her, snuggle and hug close. Oh, what have I gone and done this time! Have I become a desperate lonely girl now? And he! He is so confident of his charm that he didn't think twice about hugging a girl the first evening together, without backing it up with tender words.
Was he seeing me when he looked at me and smiled? Or was I just a Rubenesque woman who seemed lost?

My worst fears have come true. Well, I have become what I was afraid of -- a lonely woman. He must've chuckled on his way home at the foolish girl who he held in his arms and chivalrously did not take advantage of. It is evening now, and he hasn't yet called. Oh, what a fool I made of myself! How will I ever face him again? What will I do now? When he sees me next, will he see the girl who lay quivering by his side under a brilliant moon?

I will not smile at him so much again. He will not know. I will pretend that nothing happened at all. Obviously, nothing happened to him. So why should anything at all happen to me? He is a city boy. And they say, city boys are debauched.

O. He is calling.