social concerns

i have professed many a time that the society means nothing to me. yet, as i grow older, i realize that i am a hypocrite if not anything else.

when younger, society and its norms were some far away beasts i had nothing to do with. with each of my mistakes, i realised that society is in fact as close to me as perhaps my little toe is. yes, it is still a toe, which will hurt like mad if hurt but i still can afford to have it amputated.

sometimes, i think it is like those ravenous cancer cells which are eternally hungry – cells who want to claim my whole self and no longer just a little toe. may be as big as a limb. i can still get it cut and use the prosthetic, but then i can’t dance, can i? it is these fears, those demons in my head which lead me.

was there ever a time when i was completely fearless? my father says i was the bravest child he has ever seen. so vouched my grandfather who had seen even more of the world. but then, for as far back as i can remember there were fears. most of the early ones are now downright silly, even some of those as old as a couple of months seem baseless now.

i fear i will ever get pragmatic.
mindlessly driven by fear – this is a phrase i have borrow, for it reasons the roads i have chosen many a time.

vice play

the chief among my vices is the inability to draw the line, to say No, this can’t be; i cannot do this. and this is what has dragged me to the abyss which threatens to drown me or making a swimming champ out of me.

green me

once i died
and was buried in a hurry
beneath the banyan tree
in the dark nights, the roots fed life into me
i grew shoots
and was out of the brown earth
a green new me.

kaarmekha varnaa ... krishna...

i am on the last stretch of a break, a well earned one that too. a lot of thoughts fight for space inside my head. these days, i am partial to some of those and they are who scream for clarity. yet most often, they don’t get any despite this space, for i am haphazard.
i have started dancing again and that has opened a door. it gave me something which nothing else has ever given me – it wiped my head clear of all the muck. all i hear while i dance is the music. the beats of the mridangam, the loud but beautiful voice of the lady singing praises of naughty krishna, -- they make me happy.
dancing after a six-year break is tough. i find myself wanting in every aspect of it, my hands refuse to obey when I want them to sway. my legs refuse to keep to the rhythm. only my face mirrors the story I have to say. my eyes tell them loud.
i do not dance well anymore. i hate to do things which i cannot do well but I can’t give up dancing now. for this time, it is my lifeline – the raft that drifted across to me, beating the rough rapids with hope at its helm wielding the oars.
i dance. well, soon, very well.

soaking in

Friday, June 13, 2008

i had once sworn i'll never keep a blog. that was when in college. i have changed my notions at least a hundred times since then.
this one is for me. here, i am whispering into an inanimate computer all those nothings and somethings which i want to push out of my head. this is no confessional. it is not a chronicle either; nor is it an attempt at something grand like the unbearable lightness of being (which annie seems to think i can match). this is just me talking to a friend without a face. and like all my conversations, i meander.
my rule book insists i steer far away from pretentious wordplay. it says i must be honest as well. i try.

i often wondered what happens to an undelivered message -- one which i sent but never reached the person i intended it for. i see them floating in the air, knocking at closed windows, wishing a wind could blow it in somehow.
here, perhaps is the last house for all of them. a house to stay, where wind is always ready to usher them in.